You Are Every Colour of Confusion
by bluecrush-x
Summary: After ND win at Regionals, Santana finds a moment for herself only to have Brittany seek her out again - She's so stupidly in love that Santana hates herself for it; she wishes she could blame it all on Brittany but she can't, she fell all on her own.


**Title:** You Are Every Colour of Confusion  
**Pairing:** Brittany/Santana  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** None of the Glee characters belong to me; I'm just borrowing them for a bit.  
**Summary:** [Set during 2x16 'Original Songs' - After ND win at Regionals, Santana finds a moment for herself only to have Brittany seek her out again.] - _She's so stupidly in love that Santana hates herself for it; she wishes she could blame it all on Brittany but she can't, she fell all on her own._

_

* * *

_

There's a moment during the post-Regionals celebration – the air humming with constant chatter that's a mix of both excitement and pride – that Santana manages to slip away unnoticed from the rest of her teammates.

She makes her way quietly down the narrow corridor until she's climbing the steps and walking back out onto the large open space of the stage; the empty theatre chairs now her only audience. The spotlights are no longer beaming down upon the podium, leaving the theatre shrouded in a darkness that's only illuminated by the dim lights running up and down the aisles.

Santana can't help but notice, as her eyes dance around the structure, that there's something a little extraordinary about the room that only moments ago was buzzing from undeniable energy and is now filled with a tranquillity she's been searching for all week.

It's not that she doesn't care or want to celebrate the victory; united by song to a group of people who she doesn't always understand but respects – for the most part – whether they know it or not, but there's a heaviness in her eyes and an aching in her chest that's making every limb in her body tired; every bit of movement forced, including her fake strained smiles.

Santana moves to sit on the edge of the stage, her legs hanging over the side as she closes her eyes and allows herself to get lost amongst the shadows. She focuses on her breathing, listening to each soft inhale and exhale to stop her mind from wondering. There's been too much thinking lately; too much realizing and too much rationalising for Santana to be able to handle anything more in that moment than simple silence.

She's unsure of how much time has passed in her calmness before she hears the soft patter of feet making its way towards her. A body wordlessly seats itself beside her, radiating a heat that Santana knows far too well; she doesn't need to open her eyes to know it's Brittany.

Brittany's looking at her, Santana can feel the gaze burning into her flesh and it makes her want to open her eyes and glare back, bark out a horrible comment that will hurt Brittany enough that she'd be forced to leave, but Santana knows that she won't.

It's completely ironic – and totally unfair – that Brittany leaving her side is the last thing she wants, that hurting Brittany in the way Brittany hurt her is something she can't actually comprehend. She's so stupidly in love that Santana hates herself for it; she wishes she could blame it all on Brittany but she can't, she fell all on her own.

"We were getting worried that you'd left," Brittany murmurs quietly, finally breaking the silence between them after what feels like an eternity.

"Yeah well, I haven't," Santana returns a little sharper than she intended too, her eyes flicking quickly to Brittany's face and then away again. "So, you can go and tell them that you've found me and I'm fine or whatever. I doubt they really care."

"Santana, they care," Brittany starts, a sad caution in her tone as she leans forward to seek out Santana's eyes. "_I_ care."

"Yeah, sure you do," Santana scoffs, turning her head in the opposite direction as she tries to fight the lump forming in the back of her throat. "That's why you chose Wheels over me, because you _really care_."

"Santana, _please_," Brittany whimpers, grasping Santana's hand tightly in her own and bringing it to rest in her lap. "Please just look at me."

"_Don't_," Santana retorts angrily, fighting to free her hand from Brittany's clasp, and turning to pierce her with a threatening glare when she can't. "Let go, Brittany." As their eyes meet, Santana knows that Brittany understands the double meaning of her words.

Brittany shakes her head sorrowfully, her nails now biting into Santana's skin. "I can't."

Santana can't fight the burning any longer, her eyes pool with tears that immediately spill out over and down her cheeks. "You're hurting me, Britts," she chokes out brokenly.

Brittany nods her head in acknowledgment but still refuses to let go, instead she brushes her thumb over the back of Santana's hand as soothingly as she can, and whispers meekly, "Do you hate me?"

It's not what she expected to hear at all, and Santana feels her bottom lip tremble as she sees the remorse in Brittany's eyes, shaking her head as a sob escapes her.

"I probably should," Santana gasps, watching as a tear escapes from the corner of Brittany's eye, and seeing for the first time just how much this is all hurting Brittany too. "But no, I don't hate you. Not even a little bit, Britts."

Brittany lifts their joined hands to her lips and presses a hard lingering kiss across the back of Santana's knuckles, her lips ghosting the words 'I'm sorry' out against Santana's skin.

"I miss you," Brittany murmurs thickly, repeating the sentiment from their talk at the lockers.

Santana squeezes her eyes shut tightly as she feels a new onslaught of tears brimming behind her eyes. Her chest feels so tight that she's not entirely sure her heart has enough room to beat. "What do you _want_ from me, Brittany?"

"I don't know," Brittany responds truthfully, and pauses for a brief moment before she adds, "You... you're my best friend, Santana."

"_I can't_," Santana mumbles back, wiping away her tears with her free hand. "I don't know how to do that now. Everything's changed, Britt. We can't go back to what we were, it's too painful. I can't just stop feeling the way I feel."

"I don't want you to, Santana," Brittany starts, tugging at Santana's arm so that her body turns more towards Brittany's own, her eyes desperately boring into Santana's. "I _do _love you, you know. I just..."

"You love him too," Santana adds dejectedly, when she realises Brittany's struggling to finish. "But you can't have us both, Brittany. It's not fair on anyone."

Brittany nods her head guiltily, looking away. "I know. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was."

Santana swallows the dryness in her mouth, letting her tongue moisten her lips before she does what she always does; guide Brittany the best she can, despite wanting to pathetically plead again with Brittany to pick her and forget Artie.

"It's not that kind of situation, Britts," Santana explains softly. "Sometimes, you just have to forget about all of that and figure out what your heart is saying."

"But my heart's confused," Brittany pipes up in her normal Brittany way.

Santana allows herself a small smile at the comment, and gives Brittany's hand a gentle squeeze. "In times like these, you have to listen extra closely, okay? You'll be able to hear the answer when you're ready, I promise."

Brittany mumbles 'okay' accepting what Santana's telling her just like she always does. Her eyebrows furrow together a second later, and she stares at Santana questioningly, asks, "What do I do until my heart talks to me though?"

Santana releases a deep, weighted breath. "You have to give me some space to figure myself out, Britt. And I know Artie's your boyfriend," Santana tries not to sound bitter as the words leave her mouth. "But maybe you can try and find some time that's just for you alone. You'll be able to hear your heart better if me and Artie aren't talking over it, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Brittany agrees softly, understanding written in her eyes.

She presses another tender kiss to Santana's knuckles before un-entwining their fingers and finally releasing Santana's hand as she pushes herself up to stand. Her lips are pursed together in a tight smile as she looks down at Santana one final time before turning to leave.

Santana turns her head back out towards the rows of seats, unable to watch Brittany walk away from her and squeezes her eyes shut, trying to hold herself together. She hears a gentle, 'Hey, Santana?' and turns to look at Brittany, lingering in the middle of the stage.

"Yeah, Britts?"

Brittany twists her hands together nervously, obviously fumbling with her thoughts as she gets her words together. "Can we maybe still talk sometimes; like, at school? Because I totally hate not hearing your pretty voice every day."

Santana offers Brittany a small smile and nods her head just once. "I'd like that, Britts."

"Awesome." Brittany smiles so brightly in response that Santana feels her heart flip inside of her chest. "I guess I'll see you on the bus, Mr Schue said we're leaving soon, so..."

"See you on the bus, Britt," Santana returns quietly.

It still hurts watching Brittany walk away from her, but as Santana climbs onto the bus and sits down next to Mercedes at the back, she sees Brittany smile at Artie who's sitting up front, then at her, before she takes a seat on her own in the middle of the bus, one hand cupped up against her ear while the other is pressed to her chest where her heart should be.

(Brittany's already trying to hear what her heart has to say, so Santana doesn't really mind that she's placed her hand on the wrong side of her chest. It's just another reason why Santana loves her so damn much).


End file.
